I haven't posted anything for seven months because I have had no need or desire to do so. While the Spirit has remained, the words that burn from the inside which can only be extinguished by the flow of ink on paper have been silent... until today.
The loss of Art hit me much deeper than I would have expected had I considered the prospect of his passing eight months ago. Aside from the reality vs. concept aspect of his death, it was the shock, the guilt, and the anger that tore into me. Art was eighty and that is about the life expectancy for an American man on the actuarial tables, but no matter how statistically foreseeable and mathematically probable his loss may be, I was still deeply shaken.
Perhaps, I realized that Art and I shared the same "Immortality Project"(1), volunteering at our local food bank. So, if Art's Immortality Project failed, which it obviously did at his time of death so would mine in time.
Maybe, it was that Art was a big part of my motivation to jump out of bed on Monday morning.
Maybe, I just loved the old coot.
Seven months later, I remain undecided, but I have found the Faith that God knows and this is sufficient.
Over then course of these past months, I've been afforded the opportunity to explore these feelings of guilt and anger. Understanding such feelings when they are understandable is not only a journey within oneself, but an exploration of those "deep waters" in which we all swim. When we return from our journey, we are better equipped to help others navigate their own deep waters. Here is what I found many fathoms down...
- THE GUILT was pervasive because I should have been more aware of his persistent cough. I could have asked him about his heart a week earlier. I know that a persistent cough often precedes a heart attack. I could have done or said something. I failed.
That's me applying for the part of God, and feeling guilty for not getting the job.
- THE ANGER, that's so common I shouldn't have to explain. It makes me angry just considering how damn angry I was, and it's not soothing in the least that I have to confront it rationally right here, right now.
That's me being mortal and at the core of my mortality lay my rage for not being more than an ordinary man.
My good relationships, like the one I shared with Art, should last forever because that's exactly how I plan them. Don't you?
So, when we hit a terminus that shouldn't be there, we get angry. It wasn't in our plan. That's the plan we're following. Aren't you?
But...It's God's Plan and we are just a mortal men and women. Here is the place where we must find the Faith to trust in a God who knows what He is doing and this is sufficient.
A Perfect God has a Perfect Plan. We don't have a competitive product, but that's not how we behave. As the Apostle Paul wrote many failed plans ago...
What remains is Faith, Hope, and Love.
That's the raw materials that we have to work with. Prescience, flawless planning, and deft execution are not among them.
Faith, Hope, and Love. That's all we have and that is sufficient.
Faith that God has His Hand in our every breath. Which He does.
Hope that we will see the Resurrection of the living ad the dead.
Love for our God and one another. We should plan and perform a lot more of that because we'll be spending eternity together.
Art is one mighty step closer to the Almighty and that, my friends, is the purpose of His Plan and our Path.
Now, We move on.
(1) Thanks to Ernest Becker for the concept
